Are you stuck in the “Messy Middle”?
What I love most about the work I do is that, at almost 56, I’m still learning - every single day.
I take pieces away from conversations with friends. I pay attention to what I see and hear. I’m constantly thinking about how to apply what I learn to coaching my clients which is why I’m psyched about something I learned recently.
You probably are aware that we measure people by their IQ (Intelligence quotient) and leaders by their EQ (emotional quotient).
But will either of those HELP you in your empty nest transition?
That’s where Transition Quotient, or TQ, comes into play.
In every life transition - college, getting married, taking on a new job, getting fired, and, of course, the kids leaving home – there are three components to them which require you to strengthen your TQ.
So what, exactly, is TQ?
TQ is the understanding and embracing of what comes next from a place of curiosity, wonder, and awe. It involves navigating the “messy middle” effectively as noted below.
The End - The Messy Middle - New Beginnings*
For empty nesters, The End is the external kick in the pants which leads to feelings of denial– how did this come up so quickly? Then the emotional bath that seems to keep coming in waves kicks in. The end is what puts you into a whirlwind of emotions that you just can’t seem to get a hold of in those first few months. Some of my clients come to me at this stage of their journey.
The Messy Middle, which is where most of my clients come to me, is about your in-comptence (no, I’m not saying that you aren’t good being at a parent, rather it’s you’re IN your Competence as a parent - routines, schedules, an ease of life because it was all familiar to you). Then you find yourself in the soup which is this wishy-washy fog that overcomes you. And finally, you find the thread or more precisely you start to figure out WHO you are in this new moment in time.
Finally, New Beginnings take you into Becoming - you are literally becoming someone new now that you aren’t a parent 24/7. It doesn’t mean that you are no longer a parent, you always will be, your role as parent has just changed. Then you head into Taking Flight – which is my favorite part of coaching – because I get to see my clients celebrate working with me and take flight themselves just like their kids have taken flight. And finally, you will find FLOW in your new now. It is TIME to celebrate your new now because your transition from your kid-focused life is now focused on yourself.
It’s rare for a parent right in the thick of preparing for or just into an empty nest to approach it with Curiosity, Wonder, and Awe.
Like, seriously, who does that?
You can and here are some examples to get you started:
Curiosity - be curious, not fearful, of how your child will navigate their new now. If they struggle or if problems arise ask them “how will you handle that?” Create curiosity in them which helps them take responsibility for their life.
Wonder - how cool is it that you’ve raised a child, taught them much of what you know, and they are now ready to head out on their own.
Awe - celebrate this time! Your child has achieved what lots of people haven’t – they are headed to college, or the service, or are starting work straight out of high school.
Finally, if you’re struggling with the Messy Middle allow me the privilege to be your guide on the side.
Get the conversation started: coaching@jasonramsden.com
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*Adapted from The Anatomy of a Transition from Modern Elder Academy.