The Emotional Divide of an Empty Nest

I received the following question from my Ask Me Anything Anonymously series on Instagram:

“My husband is so excited our kids are out of the house and I’m devastated. I don’t know how to relate to him and I’m so angry about it. Help.”

This is not an uncommon scenario. 

One parent may experience a tougher time when the kids grow up and move on than their spouse or partner. 

The reason?

It lies in the human experience and family dynamics. 

While parents don’t have a favorite child, they do have different relationships with each child and so does their spouse/partner. Some parents will be more involved in the lives of one of their children than another - think passion points like sports, arts, music, etc. 

This is human nature. We are attracted to other humans with similar interests because it makes bonding with them easier.

It doesn’t mean we LOVE our children any more than another but the similarities can often leave one parent feeling the departure more deeply than the other.

In this scenario, where the dad is excited that the kids are out of the house and the mom is devastated and unable to relate to the excitement is normal.

Of course the mom isn’t excited - the bond between mom and child(ren) is biologically stronger. Add in that they are typically the primary caregiver and the void created when the kids leave changes the energy in the home.

It also brings up questions like what now? Who am I? What is my purpose? What should I do?

In my experience in working with clients, the question I would ask this person is why do you have to relate to him? His experience and your experience are uniquely your own and will be different.

And a follow up question would be, are you angry because he is excited or is there some other feeling at work here? 

Finally, I would recommend doing a thought download. This means spending 10 minutes writing down all of the thoughts that come up when you think he’s excited. Don’t stop writing until you’ve exhausted all of your thoughts.

Then spend time looking over the list to see if there is a common theme among them.

What does that tell you about what is going on?

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If you want to ask me anything anonymously you can. Click here and I’ll answer on Instagram or it might even become a blog topic.

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